The Onion 2:46 p.m. PDT
Moscow—Making a stark pivot from their historical position, the Russian Federation has thrown away its $24.20 CAD paperback mint condition Communist Manifesto for a signed copy of Harry Potter’s Chamber of Secrets. As the committee moves towards its final steps within this topic, Russia, the UK, and Portugal promise to provide learning workshops on “Human Trafficking Awareness”. “I love what they’re doing,” exclaims local refugee Vladimir P(o)utin(e). “They have helped me gain a better understanding of the whole process of kidnapping, and now I will know that I am being stolen when I get abducted in the future.”
While all the nations are holding hands in a joyous friendship circle, the Russian Federation is not afraid to voice its hatred for the U.S. However, for whatever reason, Russia does not have any prejudice for the U.S.’s arguably more leftist brother, the UK. The Onion is lost in this complex web of love triangles and is now encountering flashbacks to its own preschool days, a not-so-pleasant experience.
Desperately trying to move the committee forward, Yemen plays the guitar while holding up a donation sign, deafening the room and begging for countries to sponsor his elaborate militarization plans. Immediately after, delegates find themselves unable to form coherent sentences or any differences between their two blocs, aside from the disdain Russia feels for its diabetic counterpart. The content-dry, circular debate is comparable to watching a fan spin, which is ironic given the lack of airflow within the room. As stated by two unnamed delegates, “I wish I did UN Women; this is so boring.” “There is quite literally nothing going on in this committee.”
After being entrapped in the room by the barred doors during the voting procedure, the Onion is now debating whether to check themselves into a mental hospital after this traumatizing experience.