The Onion 8:00 pm PST
Brussel[s] (Sprouts)—After questioning local babies on the geographical location of Finland and Greece, their stubby fingers point and reveal crucial, classified information: nobody cares. Whether it is the Netherlands proclaiming to the committee its “immense” criminal activity, causing the European Court of Justice to now be under critical confusion surrounding what defines large-scale crime, or the entire committee room’s endless popularity contests, powerless and small nations are now making dictator-like speeches, sending themselves to their own demise. After seeing challenges to its now-nearly irrelevant gangs, Greek mafia gangs call upon the spirits of its large array of marble statues, launching a mass attack on “non-democratic ideals” such as the spyware of its prime minister. “What’s Discord?” asks the recently revived statue, Aristotle. As France stumbles to the podium with promises to not only promise media freedom but “media freedom and less corruption,” its president Macron sweats in fear, almost as if he were back in his high school literature classroom. While on the topic of media freedom, Finland makes a surprising attack on their not-so-friendly vodka-consuming neighbour. Hours later, the blue and white arctic nation finds itself with sudden dark figures along its 1,340 km eastern border. With formerly socially isolated liberal nations such as Sweden now experiencing their first bursts of popularity, the Onion is staring awkwardly as Germany threatens the nations by cutting their allowance. However, just like your average schizophrenic grandma, Sweden is falling apart as it promises over 20 of its children (Romania) large stacks of potentially counterfeit $100 bills. The Onion pleads with the committee to abstain from bringing money-laundering charades into the committee room, repeating pointless, dry arguments whose only purpose is to show off “how many bags daddy bought me.”