Early this morning, an unidentified DISEC delegation was accused of harbouring extraterrestrials and enlisting them as intermediaries in a budding arms race. Two innocent delegates were executed as suspicion was cast upon their possible alien involvement.
DISEC, April 6. /TASS/. “Aliens are among us!”
DISEC erupts in outrage as delegates slam hands on tables, turn to their bench mates, and generally ignore the dais’s decorous gavel banging.
“The aliens,” the dais clarified, “are allied with an unnamed delegation, and bombs are being exchanged between them”. In many cases, the term “alien” has been used to describe people who are not citizens of a specific country. Today, implausibly, “alien” refers to extraterrestrials interfering with Earthly affairs.
Russia is a leader of space exploration; thus, the Russian delegation was confident in assuring immediate inquiry into the issue and providing strong defense against potential invasion.
Russia’s longtime rival, the US, also eagerly approached the podium. However, the US did not concurrently display openness to international cooperation, sharing some vehement accusations of involvement instead. Norway aptly responded, “the delegation of the USA is just like Skibidi Toilet — the more we listen to them, the more our brain rots. We must deter this problem at its very root!”
At this point, the dais opened the floor for directives but maintained that they possessed the final say in passing resolutions.
Debate resumed with fervor, with delegations attempting to decipher the aliens’ intentions for Earth. DISEC’s collective stance opposed befriending the aliens as they may learn information allowing them to “dismantle our governments, one by one”. This statement invoked a high degree of fear from many DISEC members.
Suspicion and paranoia abounded, with Norway being formally accused of harbouring the aliens. An anonymous delegation then decided to nuke Norway; another nation decided to target a rural Norwegian city. However, all nuclear weapons failed due to launch site technology malfunction. To address rising militaristic zeal, the dais reminded delegates to “have some motive… we can’t bomb a country for no reason”.
“I don’t like you guys,” asserted Norway. “If you bomb me, I will bomb you back!”
A crisis update revealed that the bloodthirsty Ukraine successfully kidnapped top diplomats from the US and brutally tortured them for funding. It was unclear what Ukraine required funding for, although their actions may point to a desperation for support facing Russia’s retaliatory operation. Russian diplomats remind their Ukrainian counterparts that it is more ethical to cede the conflict outright.
Subsequently, the US shared a sudden desire to befriend the alien presence. Various delegations scrutinized the irony of this action given the US’s recent treatment of non-citizens.
“Let’s talk about discrimination… once upon a time, we did not see the Indigenous as humans. We will repeat history with the aliens because they do not fit inside our box of expectation. Why don’t we embrace the aliens and advance into the future? And stop accusing delegates for no reason!”
Russia also met the US’s statement with suspicion, recalling its detainment and deportation of Russians without trial during the American “Red Scares”.
The US clearly implied that human lives are worth less than their alien alliance. As Cuba accused, “the US makes claims against countries for no reason daily… apparently the US is an exception to every rule… the US deserves to die”.
Numerous nations remind the US that their alien tolerance may eventually “rip them apart” and threaten American sovereignty. Furthermore, the US’s openness to extraterrestrials is highly suspicious.
“We believe that the US are the aliens!” Vietnam accused the US of being the unidentified delegation harbouring the militaristic aliens. However, the US wielded its reputation as an international superpower to cast blame onto France and the Czech Republic.
France was executed by firing squad without preamble. The Czech Republic’s execution was delayed as the dais’s firearm became jammed, but the second shot resulted in the delegate’s demise.
After the executions, both delegates were revealed to be innocent. Russia calls for an end to these alienating, baseless accusations and encourages a thorough investigation into US motives.