The Onion 10:00 a.m. PDT
411 US-521, Andrews, SC 29510—Whilst in the midst of intensive debate, Senator Mitch McConnell once again demonstrates his immense Americanism as he forgets the differences between the elephant and donkey parties. “They just look too similar,” claims the nearly-expired politician. “Wait, do I wear glasses?” Delegates are muddled as the senator takes up a new passion for interpretive dancing in lieu of Republican competitive rifle shooting.
Taking advantage of the now common misstep, Lindsay Graham climbs the corporate ladder, convincing the rest of the committee to continue the honourable mission proposed by former President Donald Trump in 2015: build a wall. As the committee chants the statement for a solid hour, Mexican restaurant Taco Bell claims they feel “personally attacked.” In response, the Republican Party offers a 20-word Google Doc listing the “immense” positive outcomes of being denied U.S. citizenship. “We help them by denying them,” claims an anonymous right-wing delegate. “In the US, they are illegal criminals; in Mexico, they will still bxe illegal criminals, but less important.”
When questioned regarding their specific plans to achieve this glorious, patriotic goal, Mitch McConnell’s replacement, Graham, states, “We will make the Mexicans pay for it.” Roger Wicker quickly adds that he “has many Mexican friends” to clear up any confusion. As the party discusses possible naval militarization of maritime borders, Senator Tim Scott asks crucial question: “Is that a war crime?”
20 metres away, the Democrats are slowly losing parts of their already fragile friendship circle, with John Fetterman drifting towards the charisma of Mitch McConnell. “I love America, I love freedom, I like (eating) birds, and KFC is a Republican bird.” A native resident, Crumpled Doritos Chip Bag, comments on their personal political affiliation swap. “The other side has sulfuric acid and mass poisoning as their solutions; what do the Democrats have? Rights?”